I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
