I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
