if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
