I am spending my child support on dildos
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
