I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
