You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
