Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
