taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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