dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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