my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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