So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
