Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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