is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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