Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
