we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
