My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I cut my penus on the lid.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Is it penis luge time yet?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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