I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just want to make out with him forever
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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