it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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