where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
