My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We're too hungover to prance.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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