At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm having to shit out rocks
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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