Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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