I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
