rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
