haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
