Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
