I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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