I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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