I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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