She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
