You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Randomize
