I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
