Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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