even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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