im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
