Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I'm passing your future prison.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
