so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
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