the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
