When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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