Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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