Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
