I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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