The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
