i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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