There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
