Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
i think i just lost a toe
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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