it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Randomize
