Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
