so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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