All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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