I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
My balls are so social today.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
